You're Despicable

I wrote this journal last year, around the time Despicable Me 2 came out in theaters, but held off on posting it because it's about a very unpopular opinion I hold about a movie everyone seems to love. But what the hell, it's exactly that - an opinion. Feel free to disagree if you want, but it's still how I feel.

They’re showing Despicable Me on the big flatscreen TV in the Walmart electronics department again this week. It got me to thinking about the one time I sat down and watched the movie from beginning to end, several years ago. Since it’s still such a big hit, I thought I’d organize my thoughts on it in a full-length review.

In a nutshell, I don’t especially care for it.

The Internet pretty much blew up when this movie came out, going on and on about how sweet and funny and awesome it was. But I put it on and I just sort of went “Eh…” And yet everyone keeps ranking Despicable Me as one of the best animated films of the past several years. Is there something I’m missing? Some deep meaning to the movie that just went over my head? Well, I can’t help but notice that this film does bear more than a few passing resemblances to another animated film – Wreck-It Ralph, not just my favorite Disney movie, but one of my favorite movies ever in general. So let’s take a look at these two movies about bad guys and their cute little kid sidekicks and see which one does it better. (I’ll give you two guesses, but you only need one.)

First, let’s look at the characters. Both these movies feature bad guys as their protagonists, which is a cool idea, but it’s executed two completely different ways. While Ralph is a genuinely good-natured guy who’s been stuck with the “bad guy” label by his video game role and strives to gain acceptance and respect from his closed-minded neighbors and colleagues, Gru is just a gleeful jerk the first time we meet him. And that, I think, is a major hindrance to the story of Despicable Me. Film, by its very nature, is a storytelling medium that requires a character arc. Because Gru’s such a lowlife, he has nowhere to go but up. When Margo, Edith, and Agnes enter Gru’s life, the movie poses the question “Will these adorable little moppets soften this villain’s icy heart and reform him into a nice guy?” And the answer is a resounding “Well, DUH!” From its very first scene, Despicable Me sets itself up to follow one simple plot trajectory, and it never tries to do anything else. Do we care about Gru? Not especially. He’s such a one-dimensional goof, and when the movie tries to slow it down and have heartfelt moments with this guy, I never truly buy it. Wreck-It Ralph paints Ralph as much more human, with anxieties and flaws but still keeping him thoroughly likeable right from frame one. You want to see him succeed in gaining the Nicelanders’ respect because you can understand why he deserves it. And you have no idea how he’s going to get it.

Then there’s the girls. Margo, Edith, and Agnes have character traits, obviously, but not much in the way of actual personalities. If anything, they seem to be little more than props, just standing around spouting lines for the trailer while Gru’s heart softens just because the script says so. In the climax, they essentially become human MacGuffins. Compare that to Vanellope, such a lovable character in Wreck-It Ralph, and so thoroughly developed that she becomes the second protagonist of the story. We care so much about her and her plight to become a racer, and though she also has character flaws, she’s instilled with so much likeability, even when she’s bouncing around like she’s coming off a three-day sugar bender. And it’s that level of personality that makes the story so engaging. You can’t tell a decent story if you don’t make the audience care about the characters. When the orphanage takes the kids away from Gru’s house, I look at my watch and go “Yeah, so how long ‘til he gets ‘em back?” When Ralph smashes Vanellope’s kart, I just bawl my eyes out.

At Disney, with Pixar brain trust John Lasseter in the Chief Creative Executive chair, the motto is “Story is king”. At Illumination Entertainment, the motto seems to be “Story is something we can bang out over our lunch hour before spending the rest of the day thinking up wacky shit for the Minions to do.” Wreck-It Ralph is a beautifully constructed tale, with a wildly original concept that’s executed with utter plausibility and a story that builds naturally out of the personalities of its thoroughly believable characters. Despicable Me is a story about as strong as a damp Kleenex, with a concept we’ve seen eighty million times before and plot holes you could drive Gru’s exhaust-belching supercar through. If Gru and Vector are supervillains, then where are all the heroes, or any kind of do-gooder force to oppose them? If the girls are penniless, how the hell do they afford dance lessons? And how, holy mother of God how, does Gru get the girls back at the end of the movie if the orphanage legally took them out of his custody? Does he just bust in and threaten Miss Hattie with his freeze ray or something, or does he genuinely convince her that he’s a fit parent? Considering this good vs. evil conflict for Gru is kind of the entire point of the movie, it’s a pretty huge plot point to gloss over. But no, skip it, we gotta have our crazy Dance Party Ending.

And herein lies Despicable Me’s most unforgivable flaw – it eschews solid storytelling and well-realized characters for broad goofy humor. And nowhere is this more evident than in the way the Minions are handled. If you’re gonna watch this movie, you’d better enjoy annoying little nonsense-talking critters who smack the crap out of each other nonstop, because these things are everywhere. They don’t steal the show, they hijack it at gunpoint. It honestly feels to me like the people who made this film just said “Screw it, everyone’s gonna love the Minions, who cares if the rest of the movie’s any good?” Wreck-It Ralph’s humor doesn’t distract from the story, and comes directly from its characters and its setting, helped along by flawless animation and pitch-perfect voice acting. John C. Reilly and Sarah Silverman’s performances elevate their characters to a whole ‘nother level of greatness, especially with Reilly’s flustered little ad-libs and Silverman’s confident deadpan snarking. And that’s not even getting into the stellar performances turned in by Jack McBrayer as sensitive nice guy Fix-It Felix Jr. and Jane Lynch as no-nonsense Sergeant Calhoun, both of whom are the perfect fit for their roles. Meanwhile, Despicable Me puts Steve Carrell in front of a microphone and has him do a goofy accent for an hour and a half, miscasts flavor-of-the-month Russell Brand as a dignified mad scientist, and slaps Miranda Cosgrove in there somewhere because hey, kids love “iCarly”! Hell, even the director cameos are as different as night and day – while Rich Moore puts in a hilariously downtrodden performance as Sour Bill, Pierre Coffin and Chris Renaud just jabber a bunch of nonsense for the Minions, because they’re the whole reason they made the movie in the first place.

Wreck-It Ralph dedicates itself to telling a great story with great characters that you can watch over and over again. Despicable Me can’t be bothered to give a shit. I think it’s clear who the winner is here.